The Second Day of Christmas

The Second day of Christmas.

I once had an on-line discussion with an atheist arguing the relative merits of atheism vs. (for me) Catholic Christianity. At  the beginning of the session, I had decided to be open-minded. So open-minded, in fact, that I told my atheist friend that if could present a compelling argument for atheism, I would become an atheist.

Sometimes I dreaded his notes. What if he was right? What if my intellect was forced to recognize that atheism presented a stronger case for itself than Christianity? As it turned out, I needn’t have worried, As a result of my interactions with him, I am a stronger Christian and Catholic.

One of the things I most appreciate about Christianity is gratitude. Gratitude is a wonderful gift. It enables me to see each day as a present to be unwrapped, and each new opportunity as an offering from a loving God. It also enables me to see that the “bad” things that come into my life are often ways that God shows me something I need to learn.

Thanksgiving is tough if there is no one to thank. I thank God for life itself. I recognize that many bad things could have happened in my life and didn’t. I also recognize that many of the things that seemed bad at the time were beautiful gifts in ugly wrapping paper.

God has a plan, but it is certainly not my plan. My plan had Marsha and me comfortably retired and hanging out on our boat, inviting our friends to adventures, and in general living the dream life. God has seen fit to show me that my dream life may not be what He has in mind. This has caused some disquiet and downright anxiety, but lately I’ve been finding some peace.

I went through this with a number of things – our initial financial struggles with jobs, kids and debts; our marriage as it turned to harsh partnership and avoidance; the need to explore my inner self as a requirement to present Marriage Encounter weekends; the wrenching realization that I believed if Marsha really knew me, that she would reject me; the fear of being out of control that I wrestled with; the move to Seattle, trying to become part of a new community; yanking ourselves out of that community when it just seemed to be going well; parenthood every which way, rejection by a boss, financial setbacks, a layoff, another move.

What I have learned is simply that if I am willing to detach myself (“let go and let God”), He will take me where I am and show me somewhere else that I can serve and learn. My life has been so much more of an adventure in part because I was willing to let God steer and me to provide pedal power.

 Yesterday was Christmas day, and we went to the Irish house (Lauren’s parents). There was a gift exchange, but Marsha and I did not participate, we are saving that for when Adam gets home, whenever that is. All the same, I felt a profound sense of peace. I was spending a lot of time with Madeleine, the almost-one granddaughter. She was investigating new sights, sounds, tastes, and touches. I had nothing more important to do at that moment than to follow her as she crawled around, keeping her from dangerous investigations.

To have nothing more important to do than simply “be” with another person, even if that person can’t talk, is an extraordinary thing.  When our kids were growing up, even when I was with them my mind was often somewhere else, stressing about something. Simply being is a wonderful thing.

I’m grateful for the gift of grandchildren, and for the opportunity to be with them with no agenda, no rush, no need to do anything but to be there. This is a blessing, and if being so blessed means I give up my “dream life”, then so be it. God always seems to have a better plan than I do. One of these days I’m going to learn to really trust Him.